One of the most important discoveries I've made is that growth rarely comes from choosing one extreme over another. It comes from learning to hold what first appears to be a contradiction.

As children—and often as adults—we naturally organize life into opposites.

Right or wrong.

Good or bad.

Science or spirituality.

Conservative or liberal.

My truth or your truth.

This way of thinking helps us make quick decisions and gives us a sense of certainty.

But it also creates something else.

Polarization, biases, self-righteousness, resentment and justifications for violence

The moment we believe only one side can be right, we stop learning from the other side.

Life, however, seems to reveal itself through paradox.

We are unique...and we are common.

We are independent...and deeply interconnected.

Real love is both unconditional...and accountable.

When we experience injustice, healing begins with:

radically accepting what is, while at the same time making a fierce commitment to change what can be.

Personal growth asks the same of us.

It requires an honest, unflinching look at the patterns, personas, and protections that have caused harm in our lives.

And at exactly the same time...

It asks us to meet those same patterns  with compassion, understanding why they developed in the first place.

 

I don’t believe that wisdom is found in choosing one side.

Wisdom is found in holding two seemingly opposing truths long enough for a third possibility to emerge.

I know what I am saying sounds challenging because our minds by default are resolution machines. It takes complexity, ambiguity and contradiction and converts it into clarity as quickly as possible.

Ambiguity “feels” like threats which activates the survival responses which leads the need to collapse the paradox and pick a side.   

I understand this… what I am offering is an evolved mindset of being able to remain present in the ambiguity and complexity long enough or something new to be born.

Developmental psychologists have a name for this way of thinking. They call it post-formal thinking—the ability to move beyond either/or thinking and begin living in the world of both/and. It is the capacity to hold multiple perspectives, tolerate ambiguity, embrace paradox, and recognize that two seemingly opposing ideas can both contain truth.

To me, this is more than a stage of cognitive development.

It is a way of living in balance and not slaves to the extremes.