Over the last few weeks, I’ve received various questions and requests for advice or feedback on different subjects. The questions start with:

“How do I…?”

“Do you think…?”

“Could you help with…?”

I’m very cautious about the advice I give, and I only offer feedback, share my thoughts, or “take someone’s inventory” if we have some agreement in place.

Even with a contractual, financial arrangement—where they’re essentially paying me to share my insights—I’ve noticed that no matter what I say, there is often a subtle, passive-aggressive, or even overt retaliation or “hitting back.”

I’ve noticed this in workshops where I’ve been asked to help people become aware of the thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, habits, and addictions that hinder their success. The moment I share my feedback, I can almost predict when someone will “hit me back,” taking issue not with what I said but how I said it, my tone, or the color of my shirt.

I’m very aware of the ego’s protective mechanism to retaliate or give back what it gets. That’s why when someone gives us attitude, we give attitude back. I’m also curious about why the ego, when it decides to retaliate, often adds a little more by saying things like “your momma…”

This reaction seems habitual, even addictive—we must hit back, even when receiving productive, requested feedback. To be honest, I’ve noticed this in myself at times. When people I love give me feedback, part of me is very grateful, yet another protective part wants to “even the score” by pointing something out about them.

I had to laugh at myself recently when my 6-year-old granddaughter corrected me about the name of one of her stuffed animals, saying, “Her name is Rachel... you always get that wrong.” Outwardly, I thanked her and promised I wouldn’t make that mistake again. But inwardly, my retaliatory protection wanted to say, “I’ll get that doll’s name right when you can pronounce Grandpa without a lisp.”

I started to laugh at myself, imagining a scenario where we stood throwing insults at each other, culminating in her saying, “Well, you’re not my favorite grandparent,” and me storming off in tears.

This need to “hit back” and retaliate is very prevalent. I see it in myself and others and want to explore why.

Why do we feel the need to “hit back”?

I’m not talking about legitimately protecting oneself but retaliating purely for the sake of retaliation.

Why do we need to make others feel the pain we experience?

Are we so desperate to be right and not wrong that we bypass the opportunity to learn, waiting instead for the moment we can retaliate?

Have we not evolved enough to receive feedback without responding with “What about,” “But you said,” or “Well, you’re short for a 6-year-old, so there!”?

Has retaliation become the norm?

If so, what do you suggest we, as individuals and collectively, do?

These are the questions I would love to discuss with you in our next Wednesday talk.

I would appreciate your thoughts, as I’m sure all my granddaughters would.